dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize