Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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