The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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