I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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