Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
