you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize