i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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