I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
