We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
