my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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