Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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