I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
