Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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