I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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