I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
