Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
