Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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