The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
