Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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