I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
