my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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