God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
