im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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