that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
