I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
