The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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