i love accidental penises.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
