I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize