why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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