where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He passed out mid-signature
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
