Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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