im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
