Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
