I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize