She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
