Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
