My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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