life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
