Can Purell be used as lube?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
