Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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