Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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