so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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