I met the friendliest cop last night
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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