i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
