I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
