So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
