Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
