i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
