Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
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