3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
