It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
