im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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