If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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