Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
