theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
