Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
