he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
3pm strippers are depressing
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
